Stupid investments Surprising Gains: Satirical Look at the Markets

Stupid In, Stupid Rich: The Satirical Gospel of 2020s Investing

April 14, 2025

The Cult of Buy High, Sell Low: A Modern Investor’s Prayer

Our Father who art on TikTok,
hallowed be thy meme stocks.
Thy bull run come, thy gains be done,
on Earth as it is in fantasy portfolios.

Give us this day our daily FOMO,
and forgive us our lack of due diligence,
as we forgive influencers who pump and dump against us.
Lead us not into research,
but deliver us from contrarian thought.

Amen.

Welcome to the congregation of the Masses, where financial literacy is optional, but emotional volatility is mandatory. Where due diligence is replaced with Reddit upvotes, and “DYOR” means “Do You Only Read?”

They mocked the guy buying when blood was on the streets—until he retired early.
They praised the genius who bought at the top—until he started a GoFundMe to cover margin calls.

In this church, bear markets are myths, downturns are “temporary dips,” and risk management is a conspiracy invented by boomers who “don’t get it.”

Here, everyone becomes a Warren Buffett after two green candles and a YouTube video titled “This Coin Will 1000x—Guaranteed.” The doctrine is simple: Buy high. Deny risk. Sell low. Blame the Fed. Repeat.

Forget fundamentals—follow the guy with the Lamborghini and the rented watch. Ignore macros, dismiss charts, and consult the sacred texts: Instagram reels and Discord whispers. Heaven forbid you zoom out.

Meanwhile, the “boring” folks who dollar-cost averaged, ignored noise, and held through storms? Yeah, they’re sipping cocktails while the masses are still refreshing their Robinhood balance in the hope that a 98% drawdown somehow reverses.

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Stupid investing examples? Here you go:

The GameStop Fanatic: After Reddit decided it was a “short squeeze,” masses piled in, blind to fundamentals. The result? A rollercoaster of gains that swiftly turned into despair as the price dropped harder than an over-leveraged futures trader’s account. Technical analysis? A joke. Market psychology? Nonexistent. The masses chased hype, leaving their portfolios wrecked.
The Dogecoin Dreamer: You know the ones—rolling in after Elon tweets a thumbs-up. The price spikes for 48 hours, then collapses. No research and no understanding of the tech behind it, just “Elon said” followed by some 4chan commentary. The moment the music stopped, they’re left with a wallet full of regret.
The Bitcoin “Mooner”: Bitcoin hits $60k, and suddenly everyone with a Robinhood account is a “Bitcoin expert.” They piled in, riding high on promises of million-dollar returns. What did they miss? The technical chart was screaming “Overbought.” Market psychology flashed a warning, but the herd heard none of it. When the price crashes, they call it “a dip”—not realizing their portfolio is now a crater.
The Crypto Kid: A fresh-faced millennial with enthusiasm and a YouTube degree in “how to make it big in 2021.” They bet big on every meme coin, every ICO, every “blockchain revolution.” Reality? Most of them crash, burn, and vaporize into nothing—yet they still buy the next hype coin, hoping for a repeat of the “to the moon” success they never had.

It’s not stupidity—it’s faith.

Blind, zealous, beautifully reckless faith.

And that’s exactly what the smart money counts on. They wait. They watch. They buy when blood is on the streets. They sell when others are panicking. They don’t chase trends—they lead them. Because they know one thing that the masses don’t: Market psychology and technical analysis aren’t just for charting—they’re your tools for survival. The real trick is recognizing where you are, not where you want to be, and then acting calmly, calculatedly.